


If it's not my fault, then why do I feel guilty?

by StillTryingToFly



Series: Answers from NASA [1]
Category: The Martian (2015), The Martian - All Media Types, The Martian - Andy Weir
Genre: Canon Compliant, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Gen, Light Angst, Mark hates disco music, Missing Scene, NASA answers questions, crew deals with misplaced guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-25
Updated: 2015-11-26
Packaged: 2018-05-03 06:54:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5280995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StillTryingToFly/pseuds/StillTryingToFly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Let 'em deal with that emotional trauma when they're not flying a spaceship around."</p><p>NASA finally gets around to telling the crew Mark is alive and answering questions. Or how the Ares III crew deals with that emotional trauma while flying a spaceship around.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Oh god what have we done?

“Take some time to absorb this,” Mitch Henderson had said to them near the end of his video message along with the promise of clear schedules the next day for questions.

Melissa Lewis didn’t need time, for her there had been no slow dawning realization of what had happened. Mark was alive and she had left him alone, in a barren, unreachable, godforsaken wasteland and that was all there was to it. In the span of a few seconds her brain flashed through everything that could possibly go wrong: HAB breaches, Rover accidents, storms, and equipment failure were just the start of things. Getting injured on an EVA with no one to rescue him... She took a deep breath and let it out.   _And_ , a nasty little voice in the back of her head said, _even if none of those things kills him he might starve to death 140 million miles away from help because you couldn’t find him in a storm._

Alone in her quarters she slammed her fist into the side of her bunk. _Goddammit Lewis! Pull yourself together._

* * *

Martinez sat at his station in the bridge of the Hermes. It was unnecessary; he could pilot the ship from any computer on board, he was there because he didn’t want to be around anyone just yet. Rick felt almost dizzy thinking about what Henderson had told them. Mark was alive and healthy (how in the _hell?_ ). NASA planned to rescue him with Ares IV and a modified MDV (Rick was an expert on Mars descent vehicles; he couldn’t see how they were going to use one to save Watney).

In the privacy of his own mind Rick considered Mark to be his best friend--sure Mark was a smartass who liked bad puns but no one is perfect--and Rick was worried about him. Back in training they had each been put in isolation for ten days, Mark had hated it saying he never wanted to that again. Mark had been alone for months, and he had only just got communication established.

Before today they had been getting emails from Dr Irene Shields (NASA’s Psychologist) and she told him that being angry that Mark was dead was to be expected. He had wanted to yell, of course he was angry, Mark was one of the best people he knew, he didn’t have a malicious bone in his body, he named his plants and he was so excited to be going to Mars. It wasn’t fair that the last one killed him. Only it hadn’t yet, but there was a lot of time before anyone could get back to Mars to rescue him, anything could go wrong.

Rick took a deep breath to calm down made the sign of the cross, bowed his head, and began to pray.

* * *

Alex Vogel had a secret. It was nothing shameful, just a little embarrassing. Despite his stoic demeanor he was an easy cryer. Movies, books, and TV shows could have him bawling, if he laughed too hard he would have to wipe tears out of his eyes, he had met Helena when he was twenty years old and she had bumped into him and knocked the coffee cup out of his hand. Already stressed about his university finals he had immediately burst into tears, sat down on the damp curb and cried for almost five minutes before he could calm down enough to tell the pretty girl he wasn’t crazy but it had been a really long week.

When they had lost Mark on Mars he hadn’t shed a tear. He missed Mark terribly (even the man’s terrible sense of humor and jokes that were bad before they were lost in translation) but he just couldn’t seem to cry.  He had even talked to Dr Shields about it, worried that there might be something wrong with him that he couldn’t properly mourn Mark.

It was a twisted sort of irony that now that Mark was alive again Vogel found himself blubbering like he hadn’t been able to for four months.

* * *

Beck stood at his work station looking at the small cage that held the mice he was studying. He pulled his a pad of paper closer to him and flipped to a clean page so he could write down his questions for NASA. His sister always teased him about his lists; back on earth he made lots of lists: shopping lists, lists of classes he wanted to take, books he wanted to read, places he wanted to go--Beck liked lists, found it soothing to be able bring a sort of order to even the most chaotic of things. His hands were shaking so badly he couldn’t read his own writing and had to set his pen down.

For a few seconds he had been so happy; Mark was alive and there was a plan to save him! Chris had felt joy bubble up inside of him for the first time in months. and then... Commander Lewis felt guilty because she gave to order but she hadn’t wanted to do that had she?

“Chris?”

Beck spun around, startled to hear Johannsen's voice in his lab.

“Beth! I didn’t hear you come in,” he felt himself flush as he spoke. _You are acting like a complete weirdo_ a voice in the back of his head told him matter of factly.

Beth was frowning at him, not like she was angry, it was the look she got when she was trying to figure out a stubborn bit of code. She tilted her head to the left, considering him.

“Beth?”

She straightened her shoulders, her decision made. “It’s not Melissa’s fault, and it’s not yours either.”

Chris felt himself deflate. “She wanted to keep looking and I told her he was dead. I convinced her to leave. So yeah it’s not her fault but she might have found him if not for me.”

Suddenly exhausted he sat in his chair and put his head in his hands.

“I saw the dish coming before it slammed into Mark.”

Beck jerked his head up to look at her. “Wha--”, she held her hand up to stop him.

“It was only half of a second and I wasn’t sure what it was and then it slammed into him and he was gone. We were paired together to watch each others backs. If I had said something could he have gotten out of the way in time? Probably not, but I still wonder, especially now. But ‘what ifs’ aren’t going to help us and they are not going to help Mark. We need to get through this without going to pieces, because if he can survive Mars alone we owe it to him survive our own damn feelings.”

Her voice seemed to ring in the silence of his lab. Chris blinked, unable to form words his mouth was open a little in surprise. _God help me, I am in love this woman_ he thought.

Beth’s face softened as she looked at him and on impulse she walked over to him and kissed his forehead before turning to leave.

“Goodnight Chris,” she called over her shoulder.

He sat blinking helplessly for a few moments before he could reply with a startled, “Night Beth.”

When he started his list again his hands did not shake.

 


	2. Oh god, he did what?!

Breakfast the next morning was subdued affair. This was quite an accomplishment given that meals since they had left Mars had been only slightly more lively than a wake. Today though, they were just killing time before the message from NASA was scheduled to arrive.

Johanssen sat curled up on her seat holding her customary cup of coffee taking small sips every so often. Next to her Vogel was picking at the sausages on his plate, but his heart just wasn’t in it so he sipped some grape juice instead. Lewis ate mechanically, chewing her food without making eye contact with anyone. Beck had to force down his food, with each swallow he was sure he was going to vomit right there at the table. Rick was practically vibrating in his seat, he’d scarfed down the first meal pack he’d grabbed from the ration cabinet and now he was trying to resist the urge to drum his fingers on the table.

Without warning Johanssen stood up and set her mug in the sink before making her way over to the computer station across the room and plopping down in the seat. It was too early, NASA had told them to expect the first message at 0800 hours but Johanssen stared at her screen anyway, just waiting.

“I think we should do this together,” Beth spoke without taking her eyes off the screen. “I mean I could send everything to your personal tablets but I think we should all read this together.” She turned her head to look at them. “Any objections?”

“You’re right,” Lewis looked up from her plate speaking for the first time since she’d left the bridge yesterday. “We should do this together.”

Beth nodded but said nothing. Beck and Vogel both gave up trying to force down their breakfasts and went to stand next to Johanssen. Martinez almost knocked over his chair in his haste to follow them. Lewis followed at a more sedate pace. They stayed like that, four standing one sitting, until the message finally came through. As soon as the text came filled the screen the crew could tell it was not something someone in Houston had put together; they were Mark’s words.

 

**I want to state for the record that it is not the crew’s fault I got left behind. The communications dish that slammed into me had a rigid antenna that plowed through both my bio-monitor and my suit. The crew would have have seen me get knocked down a hill in a sandstorm, the decompression alarm in my suit go off, followed by my bio-monitor signs going flat. Of course they thought I was dead, they had no reason to think otherwise. They made the right call, leaving me behind and in no way do I blame them for any part of my current situation.**

**-Watney**

Beck swallowed thickly as he read Mark’s report. Beck flashed back to the sol six storm and the suit’s computer telling him that Watney’s body temperature was normal. He had ignored the separate temperature module in favor of the bio-monitor, and convinced the others Mark was dead. He had declared his friend dead based on data from damaged equipment. Beck’s eyes flicked over the rest of the crew. He could only see Beth from the side but he could tell her mouth was pursed in a frown. Lewis was breathing quietly through her nose, her chin pinched between her forefinger and thumb. Rick was tapping his fingers against his thighs and Vogel was trying to dab surreptitiously at his eyes.

“Commander?” Everyone’s eyes snapped to Johanssen sat looking at Lewis. “NASA is ready to receive the first batch of questions if we each have one ready.”

Lewis nodded and Beth began to type.

**How did Mark reestablish communication with Earth?**

Beth spoke without turning around, “What do you guys want to ask?”

Rick leaned forward, “How do they plan on using an MDV to rescue Mark?”

Beck didn’t need to look at the list he’d made the night before he knew which question he wanted to ask first.  “How will he stay fed until Ares IV gets to Mars?”

Vogel crossed his arms across his chest. “How are his supplies holding up to extended use?”

Beth’s eye flicked to Lewis.

“Commander?”

Lewis reached around Beth and began to type.

**How did Watney survive the Sol six storm?**

At their current distance from Earth communication took ten minutes in each direction. Twenty minutes plus however long it took to put together a response. They ended up waiting thirty-five minutes for a response from NASA. Thirty-five minutes is a long time to wait when you have nothing to do and no one feels like talking.

  * Mark says that when he was knocked off the hill he landed face down, putting the antenna at a strong oblique angle. The combination of the antenna and his congealing blood produced a weak seal that allowed his suit to counteract the reduced leak.

  * All HAB and Rover should last four years, especially with a human around to conduct repairs as needed. So far all systems are operating at peak.

  * We plan to send a resupply probe within the next year. We were trying to get a probe to him before Sol 400 but Mark is resourceful and more creative than we are and has created a farm using the potatoes sent for Thanksgiving. This buys us more time to get a probe to him.




 

Beck’s mouth hung open in surprise. “He-he what?”

Vogel looked confused, “We did not bring enough Earth soil with us to farm. How did he do this?”

“He found a way,” Rick was laughing so hard he could barely breath. “Of course he found a way. He’s too stubborn not to. He is never going to let this go. He is going to lord this over me until forever.”

Melissa wasn’t quite smiling but her face looked lighter than it had earlier. “The people who will change the world are the ones crazy enough to think they can. Of course he's farming on Mars.”

  * Ares IV’s MDV will have a detachable heat shield and outer hull so it can make a brief overland flight to Schiaparelli crater.

  * The Sol six storm blew the main communications dish away (so far we have found no trace of it on satellite imagery) and the MAV was no longer available so Watney had no way to talk or listen to Earth. He modified Rover 2 to do long distance, multi-day trips. We were initially worried that he was headed for Schiaparelli but his course didn’t indicate that and we eventually figured out he was heading for Chryse Planitia in Ares Vallis for Pathfinder. He brought both Pathfinder and Sojourner back with him and we have been using the lander to communicate.




“He did what?” Beth is confused. “How can a rover do multi day trips? What did he do to it?”

Chris has pressed his palm over his mouth to stop his hysterical giggles. Of course Mark has recovered an antique Mars probe and is using it for communication, of course he is. Why not?

Vogel is smiling and Rick has given composure up completely and is bent over at the waist laughing.

Lewis is rubbing her forehead. “Focus guys. What questions do you all want to send this time?”

They are each trying to formulate their next question when Johansson speaks up.

“Commander? There's a PS.”

“Read it out.”

“Mark says to tell Commander Lewis that ‘Disco sucks’.” Beth looks puzzled. “What does that even mean? Commander?”

They turn to look at Lewis who has hidden her face in her hands and whose shoulders shake with silent laughter.

**Author's Note:**

> I was so disappointed when I read the book and there was no scene dealing with the crew's feelings because, surely Lewis wasn't the only one who felt guilty. I might edit the first chapter in the future (make it longer and a little more depth to the characters) but for now I'm happy with this ending to the "missing scenes" in both the book and movie.


End file.
